Sometimes you have to cry.
Even if each tear is forsaken.
Even if tears are in vain.
Cut each strand.
Shatter each dream.
Sometimes you need to cry.
Even if each tear dies slowly.
Even if tears are useless now.
Sever each strand.
Annihilate each dream.
by Felicia Lujan
Archive for the ‘Connection’ category
Sometimes you have to cry.
I feel like someone kicked me in the stomach and then gave me a cheep shot to the throat. I feel it in my heart. My mind is spinning. I feel sick. Nauseated and drained from hours of tears streaming down my raw cheeks. You know that feeling? That feeling you get when you feel so very low? I can’t remember the last time I was here. It sucks.
Last night was like any other night in my history of nights until something tragic happened. It was dark. I didn’t see him…Killer…my tiny, chocolate colored teacup Chihuahua with the sweetest howl. I don’t know how it happened, but I ran over him. How? When I heard a sharp cry, I jumped out of my runner and rushed into the night to find him. He had run off. When I found him he cried and laid down. I knew that instant he wouldn’t make it.
I stood there for a second…alone…in disbelief. When he couldn’t get up, I started screaming into the cold. I was yelling so loud my ears were popping. I shrieked in horror and cried and felt like I was going to pass out. Nobody heard me. I screamed louder. Coming somewhat to my senses, I picked up the three pound Chihuahua. I ran with him as fast as I could, still screaming.
The rest was nothing but tears. He passed away not long after that. I knew he would. We all gave him every ounce of love from our hearts in his last minutes and made him feel some comfort. I told him how very sorry I was and asked for forgiveness. He looked into my eyes. He knew I was talking to him. He loved me and I loved him. I knew he was on his way to greet me on my way home from work. He had done that for years.
I couldn’t help but sob uncontrollably when he died. I went into the bathroom, closed the door and sobbed into a towel so my son wouldn’t hear. I cried all night and all day. When I got home this afternoon, he wasn’t here to sing with me. Killer loved to sing with me. My son has had Killer and Honey since August 21, 2008. Daryn would turn three years old later that month. The puppies were his birthday gift. I apologized to everyone for the heartache I caused. I feel horrible about it.
It was so dark. I will never understand how this happened…to me the animal lover…to Killer…the sweet lil guy. The night I accidentally took the life of one of my family members will be remembered as one of the worst nights of my life. I am experiencing the kind of upset and pain I would never wish upon my worst enemy.