The Worst Kind of Pain

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~Daryn, Killer and Honey in August of 2008~

I feel like someone kicked me in the stomach and then gave me a cheep shot to the throat. I feel it in my heart. My mind is spinning. I feel sick. Nauseated and drained from hours of tears streaming down my raw cheeks. You know that feeling? That feeling you get when you feel so very low? I can’t remember the last time I was here. It sucks.

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Last night was like any other night in my history of nights until something tragic happened. It was dark. I didn’t see him…Killer…my tiny, chocolate colored teacup Chihuahua with the sweetest howl. I don’t know how it happened, but I ran over him. How? When I heard a sharp cry, I jumped out of my runner and rushed into the night to find him. He had run off. When I found him he cried and laid down. I knew that instant he wouldn’t make it.

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~A morning prayer for Killer. When I lost my cat not long ago, my friend Gail gave me the Beloved Pet candle in the middle with an image of Saint Francis of Assisi - lover of all creation~

I stood there for a second…alone…in disbelief. When he couldn’t get up, I started screaming into the cold. I was yelling so loud my ears were popping. I shrieked in horror and cried and felt like I was going to pass out. Nobody heard me. I screamed louder. Coming somewhat to my senses, I picked up the three pound Chihuahua. I ran with him as fast as I could, still screaming.

The rest was nothing but tears. He passed away not long after that. I knew he would. We all gave him every ounce of love from our hearts in his last minutes and made him feel some comfort. I told him how very sorry I was and asked for forgiveness. He looked into my eyes. He knew I was talking to him. He loved me and I loved him. I knew he was on his way to greet me on my way home from work. He had done that for years.

I couldn’t help but sob uncontrollably when he died. I went into the bathroom, closed the door and sobbed into a towel so my son wouldn’t hear. I cried all night and all day. When I got home this afternoon, he wasn’t here to sing with me. Killer loved to sing with me. My son has had Killer and Honey since August 21, 2008. Daryn would turn three years old later that month. The puppies were his birthday gift. I apologized to everyone for the heartache I caused. I feel horrible about it.

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~The small box we made for Killer~

It was so dark. I will never understand how this happened…to me the animal lover…to Killer…the sweet lil guy. The night I accidentally took the life of one of my family members will be remembered as one of the worst nights of my life. I am experiencing the kind of upset and pain I would never wish upon my worst enemy.

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Explore posts in the same categories: Animals, Children, Connection, Disconnection, Family, Family Photos, Love, Pain, Personal Glimpses, Writers, Writing

24 Comments on “The Worst Kind of Pain”

  1. georgiakevin Says:

    My deepest sympathy.

    • ~Felicia~ Says:

      Thank you Kevin.
      ~~~F

      • georgiakevin Says:

        I am absolutely certain that Killer understands how you didn’t mean to harm him. Dogs unconditionally. I have 6 dogs and have had to bury mote than i want to think of over the years.

      • ~Felicia~ Says:

        Yes. I know. I told him. I loved that little guy. Laying animals to rest is never easy, but this had been the hardest. ~~~F

      • georgiakevin Says:

        My heart goes out to you, too many people don’t have your heart sadly. I live in the country without animal control so we get beautiful wonderful dogs dropped off on my property.

      • ~Felicia~ Says:

        Well Kevin. Thank you for having a kind heart and caring for the animals that inconsiderate people abandon. Sincerely~ thank you.


  2. Felicia…my heart is truly broken for you. I’m so terribly sorry. I wish I could help you in some way. You are a kind and loving person. I’m just so sorry for you. I’m sending love and Light to you and I will keep you and Killer in my heart. I’m just so sorry, my friend. I love you. I know there are no words that can help you. Killer loves you and always will. He knows you love him and always will. Love is all there is.

    • ~Felicia~ Says:

      Thank you my friend. I know you love animals as much as I do. It is unbelievable. I have never been so crushed. Thank you for your kindness…always. It is people like you who help others through rough times. Sincerely…I appreciate you very much. ~~~Felicia


      • Just checking up on you Felicia. I can’t stop thinking about you. I know there’s nothing I can do to help heal your broken heart but I understand the pain and I’m sending love to you and Killer.

      • ~Felicia~ Says:

        Thank you lady. I feel a little better after I hit the weights. That kind if pain killer helped me misplace my thoughts for a while. I still can’t believe what happened. In all my years on this planet, never have I experienced something like this. Thank you for checking on me. You are so thoughtful. I have been thinking about you too. I know I need to submit to Artists for Peace. Especially…now…peace is critical to my sanity. Love and light to you my friend. ~~~Felicia

  3. mionsiog Says:

    I am so sorry for your loss.


  4. […] the gym today. Thank God for iron! After what happened to me on Friday night (yeah…that is The Worst Kind of Pain), the release of dopamine and endorphins helped me feel human and pain free again. Indeed these […]


  5. I’m so sorry to hear! 😦

    May Killer rest in peace.


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