Sadly… That’s Just the Way It Is

“Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear-the earth remains, slightly modified. The earth remains, and the heartbreaking beauty where there are no hearts to break…. I sometimes choose to think, no doubt perversely, that man is a dream, thought, an illusion, and only rock is real. Rock and sun.”

Edward Abbey, Desert Solitaire: A Season in the Wilderness

Casualties of Love

Here is my latest digital composite. As always, this is a highly symbolic piece. There were over 60 layers in this one, most in just the barbed wire hair alone. I molded each strand individually. Other layers in the composite include: a distorted image of a woman with symbolically dark hair (barbed wire overlay); a masked layer for her red lips; a highly saturated image of a stiched wound; a stormy background; and a font layer with the composite title.

“Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but, I hope… into a better shape.”

♡•Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

Casualties of Love: Digital Composite by Felicia Lujan

Squad

•♦•| Me… twisted. |•♦•

•♦•| Me… twisted again. |•♦•

I did love the new Suicide Squad movie, but I guess I’m just twisted like that. It was clearly a setup for another movie about Harley Quinn and The Joker. The movie was a very romanticized version of that whatever it is relationship (which I kinda liked). In the comics, The Joker basically treats Harley Quinn like crap.

My favorite movie scene was the vat scene. If you didn’t see the movie, then I’m sure you could give a flying f*#k about the content of that twistedly, romantic, only in the movies scene, but basically… all you need to know is that in “real life” (aka the comics)… The Joker actually pushes her ass into a vat of acid.

Worth a watch for those who care.

•♥♦•| He would never jump in a vat of acid to save her because she can’t swim. That’s 2 risky. He could die. He should let her die right??! |•♦♥•

•♦Xxxx| Now that’s more like it. Fun! |xxxX♦•

Overlook

“What I cannot love,
I overlook.”
~~~| Anaïs Nin

|~ Digital composite of Cassidy from the “Longmire” series by Felicia ~|

Assassin’s Wish

“What is it that I’ll
want from you? Not
love: that would be
too much to ask. Not
forgiveness, which
isn’t yours to bestow.
Only a listener,
perhaps; only
someone who will
see me. Don’t prettify
me though, whatever
else you do: I have
no wish to be a
decorated skull.

But I leave myself
in your hands. What
choice do I have?
By the time you read
this last page, that…
if anywhere…
is the only place
I will be.”

x•x| Margaret Atwood,
x•x| The Blind Assassin

Ctrl+Alt+Delete

Sometimes I wish I could give people the one finger “three finger salute” and permanently erase them from my memory with a swift, “hard delete…” then I remember I’m actually a living, breathing, caring human being, and not a cold ass machine. Oh well… call it a blessing when you’re human. I guess memories fade.

Bleeding Truth

A person’s actions bleed a truth
that the mind is never ready to
accept and the heart was never
willing to reveal.

Felicia
1.7.16

2016: The Fire~ Part 2

So what happend to me that’s worth mentioning during my last 8 days of 2015 and my first 6 days of 2016? I am always so thankful for the gym because a couple of days before Christmas, I had two very hard days. I actually went back to my natural eye color (ditched green) and contemplated dying my hair pitch black. I can’t afford to have my emotions get the best of me when what really deserves to get the best of me is the iron. So what did I do? I used the energy that I discovered was being wasted to make gains.

••On December 24, 2015... My Christmas gift from Amanda made its first appearance in Mandrill's Gym.••

On December 24th, I was extremely enraged in the gym. My heart was filled with fire and I could feel the flames scorching my eyes. That afternoon, Yolanda randomly asked me if I was mad at her. I wasn’t mad at her. People frequently think I’m mad at them in the gym, but I’m usually not mad at all. Call it driven. Call it serious. That particular day…call it fury or enflamed. After I killed squats, I reassured Yolanda that my fire had nothing to do with her. I literally couldn’t walk after that squat session until at least the 28th.

••On one of the last days of 2015, I made some fake "shake and bake" with whole almond meal. It was healthy, organic and delish!••

On Christmas Day, I almost stayed in bed. I figured maybe I should… I didn’t feel good after all. Thank God for my challenging nephew. He had slept over and was shocked to hear about the potential rest day. He was like “Ooooo… I thought you were hard core?” He made so much noise about the potential rest day that I changed my mind and hit it up. Yes… on Christmas Day!! Like I said… Thank God for my challenging nephew who kept my ass in check that day. I went in and straight murdered my shoulders and TRAPS while everyone else’s kept shrinking.

••Been loving my new Oso Elite Collars. Since I've been on fire, I thought about ordering red ones that were custom engraved with "she devil," but went with purple (which I know some people HATE) and my name.••

For years I’ve been able to bench a plate on the Smith. It’s been at least a year since I cut the Smith completely out of my workouts with the exception of standing calve raises. Being enflamed helped me get a 35 free weight for a strong 12 reps and a plate for a strong 6 reps. The owner of my gym is there working from like 6:00am until like 9:00pm, so I questioned him about female strength. I wanted to know how many woman he’s seen bench a plate. Looks like there are four of of us and most of them can only get it for 3… so…

••Ohhhhh.... Yeah... Now that's what I'm talking 'bout. Wish I had a good pic of me wearing my long Deadpool socks. I guess red will be my color in 2016. #fire••

On the second day of the new year, it was Deadpool and deadlifts. I’m inching closer to a 205 deadlift. I scored an awesome Deadpool outfit and I deadlifted 185 for 6 reps. My goal for the first quarter of 2016 is to lockout 205 for 3. I have a strong back and I want to continue to develop my strength. Before Christmas, I was struggling, but pulling the whole stack for facepulls. The fire helped me pull the stack (200 lbs) like nothing. I hit that shit for reps of 15 easily.

••It's Deadpool Bitchez!! He's a lifelong member of the NRA (Never Real Anyway).••

I guarantee that 2016 will see a side of me that has never been completely revealed. I will fan the flames, feed the rage, engage the heat, and welcome the smoke. Fire is a precious thing. Lesson of 2015… Fire should always be used to burn those things which are worthy of your time and energy. Or… If you feel so inclined, as firefighters do, it may suit you better to pour a big ass bucket of water on your fire and simply put that shit out. It is easier for those who are scared to get burned, but not me, I breathe fire bitchez.

Blue Eyed Christmas

•♥♦♥• Blue Eyed Christmas: A Digital Composite by Felicia Lujan •• The composite of Harley Quinn was created with 7 layers in AdobePhotoshop. Her face... streaked black by her blue eyes. She stands near a frozen Christmas tree wearing her Joker earrings. •♥♦♥•

“There are wounds that
never show on the body
that are deeper and more
hurtful than anything that
bleeds.” (Laurell K. Hamilton)

Queen of Hearts

•••♥Screenshot of my new wallpaper. This is such an awesome piece with the Queen holding her bloody heart. I love this artist and what a great quote ha?•••♥

“The blood of Heaven binds you,” said the Queen. “Blood calls to blood, under the skin. But love and blood are not the same.”

“Riddles,” Clary said angrily. “Do you even mean anything when you talk like that?”

“He is bound to you,” said the Queen. “But does he love you?”

~••Cassandra Clare
City of Fallen Angels
(The Mortal Instruments, #4)

Imagination

~Artemisia & Themistocles~

~
cursed by mirriors
illusions in glass
trapping our
connectivity
~
never the same
never a change
in the tangled
web of we
~
imagination
taunted dreams
our reflection
starts to crack
~
seeping words
the writing bleeds
we can never
take it back
~
cursed by mirriors
husky things
trapped beneath
soft skin
~
never the same
never a change
in the complex
web we spin
~
by Felicia Lujan
11.23.2015
~★~

Love and Loss

We are always crushed when we have to part ways with what we love. It feels like I’m being gutted from the inside out… like part of my soul has been erased… like I’ve died a million deaths… like a huge black hole has swallowed my tiny heart. Writers always speak metaphorically. It is often beyond the grasp of a basic thought process. Metaphors allow me to speak in tongues and code my life and your life as I see fit. My smashed, totalled 4runner is a metaphor for loss despite love.

It is all a cycle… love and hate… happiness and sadness… life and death… loss and gain. Sometimes those things we perceive as being valuable, actually mean absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things. The value of real love and happiness is all that matters when we are facing death. Who really cared when I was facing death? What really matters when you face a potential end? Measure it as we may, but there will never be value in valueless things.

I was crushed when I had to part ways with the 4runner I loved so much. It almost killed me. If there is one thing I’ve learned through all this accident trauma, it is this… People are people, they are either there for you or they aren’t. Cars are cars, they either last or they don’t. Love is love, it either lives or dies. Maybe some love is meant to be lost? Maybe only then can we understand true value?

••Meet my new illusion of value and love. It is my 2016 Cadillac SRX. I guess I can find it in my tiny, crushed, bruised, broken heart to fall for bass and bluetooth for my iPod, a push button start, dual exhaust, and the leather interior that laces Cadillac's best selling model since 2010 that turns into a rolling wifi hot spot. I guess lol.••

Be a Giver Not a Taker

I have never been a taker. Over the last few months, many life lessons have made me thankful for that. Being a taker is a poor, unattractive and unfortunate character to have. Selfless giving in the name of love or friendship is rare and it is rarely appreciated. It amazes me to know there are some who remain blind to the value of giving. For the unappreciative whom I have given to, I know my kindness was not in vain. Though you did not see the value in my giving, there is someone in the Heavens who did.

Darkness of the Fake

“The difference between my darkness and your darkness is that I can look at my own badness in the face and accept its existence while you are busy covering your mirror with a white linen sheet. The difference between my sins and your sins is that when I sin I know I’m sinning while you have actually fallen prey to your own fabricated illusions. I am a siren, a mermaid; I know that I am beautiful while basking on the ocean’s waves and I know that I can eat flesh and bones at the bottom of the sea. You are a white witch, a wizard; your spells are manipulations and your cauldron from hell yet you wrap yourself in white and wear a silver wig.”

••••× C. JoyBell C.

TERRITORIAL Gym×Rats

•Digital composite by Felicia•

Everybody hates showboating… well… everybody except for the showboats that is. Isn’t that the truth? Don’t believe me? Check out this comedic, perfect lesson about the unintended karma associated with showboating. Yep. It happens. If you act a fool, you will get treated like a fool. If you need more proof about how much people hate showboating, you can always ask your friends or even visit this #showboating feed for reference.

I must say you could be the hottest, most fit man or woman on this planet and for me your showboating will immediately kill that. If you aren’t Ronnie Coleman, Iris Kyle or Dorian Yates, for God’s sake, please don’t act like it. Winning competitions in New Mexico does not make you legendary. That takes hard work and love from people!! You earn that! Most people in my gym who are built and cut stay humble. Shoot… they even stay covered.

There is nothing worse than people who parade through a gym acting like they own that shit when they aren’t even locals. They just get in the damn way! It is an easy way to piss the local rats off. My gym has never been a showboating gym and it never will be (thank God). Unfortunately, in the past week, showboaters out of Albuquerque have made their way here calling my gym “the best in New Mexico.” Mandrill’s does have a solid reputation.

We are hard hitting, iron eating, sweat laden, rabid rats, so I can see why people would drive here just to have a photo session. I don’t think these showboaters wanted a Planet Fitness backdrop eh? Of course not! They wanted people who were worth a hell and a gym that is worth a hell as a backdrop. I actually think these boaters and their photographer got more than they really wanted that day. Let me put it diplomatically, their flash filled, disruptive visit was not well received. Game faces were on lock!

These people have placed in some competitions, but again, they aren’t Ronnie, or Iris or Dorian. Nobody wanted tripods in the way, flashes in their eyes (about 300x), or to see mediocre fitness buffs hanging upside down, flexing every two seconds or making human pyramids. Go do that shit outside and get the hell out of the way. Even though us “regulars” compete with each other day in and day out, that day we pulled together like never before against the foreigners to show them who really runs shit here.

One of the visiting showboaters in the click of two men and one woman was recently featured in a magazine about the fittest people in Albuquerque (hence his illusion of complete stardom). A while back I posted about that magazine because I was extremely disappointed in the fitness of the selection of fit people. Maybe I’m wrong, and maybe these people are all really down to Earth? That would be a good thing and it is so much more attractive.

I will say that the showboaters had every person in my gym talking mad shit. From one shredded black man ripping off his shirt to “show them what abs really look like,” to a high ranking military man calling the visit “a freak show,” to another saying it was “all straight comedy,” to lots of evil game faces, to most of us rats pushing it further than to the limit, we made it clear we run Mandrill’s. If these people would have come in strong and humble, they would have never been noticed. I’ll bet they would have actually been accepted!

Just don’t come into our gym and showboat your ass around here *expecting* respect. Here… we earn respect. Here… we don’t play. Here… we work. Here… we are sum territorial gym rats!